Yesterday I felt like nothing: not good enough, unwanted, untalented, and un-anything else from a professional standpoint. My hormones also conspired against me, resulting in a depressing day. One of the few good spots was talking to my dad for about an hour.
Today I went to counseling. The first thing I did was ask for chocolate; Buffy knew it was bad when I grabbed the Kleenex box next.
The latter is a big deal. Being and immigrant I know what it's like to start from scratch and be "poor." However being low on the economical bracket never defined or bothered me. Besides, we always had a roof over our heads, food and clothes. Only reason I was self-conscious was because kids would tease me. Children can be cruel.
Now my current job hunt points to my low-income reality. But there is something spiritual about having nothing. I'm not convicted but I know. When you are metaphorically stripped down you shiver from cold and shame. Then you start to see who you actually are and what you really do have; in a strange way you are free. Assuming we include God, He takes that and works wonders.
I feel insecure right now but I know I am far from nothing and have a lot to offer; I love and am loved and I have what I need, including autonomy. Yet I know there's more; I just don't know what right now.
In the beginning there was emptiness. Nada. Then God spoke and created amazingness and beauty ex nihilio, out of nothing. I am hoping one day that will be me.
Sometimes I feel qualified to make statements; sometimes I don't. In lieu of making a statement, I've got a couple songs that I think you should listen to: "Light Up The Sky" by The Afters and "Your Love" by Brandon Heath. Perspective, encouragement, priorities... sometimes a song can be what you need.
ReplyDeleteIn situations like these, there are usual two ways I react. Either I feel empty, directionless, and disheartened. Or I feel...excited. It's not exactly a choice, I don't think. But I enjoy when I'm able to be positive knowing that good things are going to come and sometimes even giddy about the unforeseeable future.
ReplyDeleteWe're all made for greatness in some way. It sometimes just takes a great deal of patience and discovering that perhaps our success may not look exactly like we thought it would.
I think you're doing a great job of dealing with the situations that come your way. I'm proud of you and where you are headed!
Thank you very much for your encouragement, amigos. I have been overall content with life, uncertainty included. Unfortunately, my female chemistry magnified things that wouldn't have usually bothered me this much, thus resulting in the above blog. My melancholy today is now simply hormonal and that too shall pass... soon.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, a huge "gracias" to you for your prospective, patience, encouragement, songs, and readership. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.