Passive Aggressive Haiku

A few weeks ago I applied for a graphic designer position at the Portland Japanese Garden. I just received an email from them, thanking me for my interest but apologizing I would not be moving on to the interview process. Here is my response:

I would have been good

Pox on your lov'ly garden

Hope your bambo dies

Ex Nihilio

Yesterday I felt like nothing: not good enough, unwanted, untalented, and un-anything else from a professional standpoint. My hormones also conspired against me, resulting in a depressing day. One of the few good spots was talking to my dad for about an hour.

Today I went to counseling. The first thing I did was ask for chocolate; Buffy knew it was bad when I grabbed the Kleenex box next.

How are you? I feel like nobody wants me (employment-wise). And, due to certain triggers, I feel... poor, like I have nothing.

The latter is a big deal. Being and immigrant I know what it's like to start from scratch and be "poor." However being low on the economical bracket never defined or bothered me. Besides, we always had a roof over our heads, food and clothes. Only reason I was self-conscious was because kids would tease me. Children can be cruel.

Now my current job hunt points to my low-income reality. But there is something spiritual about having nothing. I'm not convicted but I know. When you are metaphorically stripped down you shiver from cold and shame. Then you start to see who you actually are and what you really do have; in a strange way you are free. Assuming we include God, He takes that and works wonders.

I feel insecure right now but I know I am far from nothing and have a lot to offer; I love and am loved and I have what I need, including autonomy. Yet I know there's more; I just don't know what right now.

In the beginning there was emptiness. Nada. Then God spoke and created amazingness and beauty ex nihilio, out of nothing. I am hoping one day that will be me.

"Claudia, DO SOMETHING!"

Within the last three weeks I applied and/or sent my resumé to four different prospective employers. (I'm doing a fifth, though it's not a track record to be engraved on a plaque.) I had a pre-interview with one but have heard nothing from the others. In the meantime, I find out a friend has an interview and another starts a new job next week.

My feelings are mixed - happiness with a touch of envy and pressure. At a young age I craved approval. Now as a "grown-up" I continue to want it at some level, this time with a job. I want a "professional" to tell me my skills are good enough. Thing is, I KNOW they are; my FRIENDS tell me they are; my CLIENTS are happy. These people, including me, matter. So, what the hell is my problem?

My friend, Michael, said, "Employment is just as much a sign of talent as grades are." True. I just don't want to be that friend. You know, the deadbeat who didn't do anything with his/her life. The one who somehow frustrates you because he/she didn't reach potential. Yeah, that friend.

While writing I've perked up. I don't necessarily need or want what others have; my long-life happiness isn't contingent on employment. (That's another blog for another day.) Right now though, I feel like comedian Margaret Cho when Wisconsin's Laotian community contacted her for help: "People are calling me and e-mailing me from there... going, 'Margaret, DO SOMETHING!'"

Closet Connotations

Every night as I lay me down to sleep I face my closet. After all these years it still brings a sense of uneasiness though I know what is and isn't there. There are clothes, suitcases, gift wrapping materials. There are no ghosts or monsters; maybe a spider.

Why is it that closets have an eeriness? Even if you leave your fears behind with your childhood, it takes a different form. People (I have a bad feeling it's not just kids) are inhumanely punished in closets. We hide our "skeletons" and dirty little secrets in them. Closets are crammed so we can appear clean when someone comes into our rooms.

After all these negative associations, why do some people insist on adding another by trying to force others to proverbially live in a closet? It's dark, lonely and crammed. It's full of things we don't necessarily use and even forget. Why should we try to forget our friends, family members, neighbours, by keeping them there?

Worse, why is it our church, an entity that claims to be loving and accepting, is a culprit in this crime? I feel sometimes as so-called believers we make God look bad. I wish we as a whole would tell our closeted counterparts it's OK to come out, that we're there to love, accept and help them with anything they are struggling with. It would be even better if we meant and acted on it as a whole.

I understand loving someone or something unfamiliar can be a struggle; I've been there and still wrestle with some concepts. But think about what life would be like if you were stuffed in a closet. The thought alone depresses me.

Even if you're not ready to support a "radical" or "liberal" change, at least don't judge; that's more than some get. And if we did minimum maybe we'd have less lonely fellow humans in the dark.