Not really. I'm fascinated by medical oddities but my overly empathetic nature makes me flinch whenever I see Dr. House's team make an incision.

Part of my wonderings stem from my lack of a degree-related vocation. Maybe I'm being too picky, but what ever happened to finding a dream job? Something that brings relevant experience would be fine in the meantime, but no one seems to want someone without enough experience. Wait, how the hell am I supposed to get it then? *Puzzled look on face*

This is why maybe I should've been something boring: an accountant, a nurse. No, not boring... Ah, "practical," that's the one. Society will always need medical attention, and a bilingual nurse would be an asset. "Yay" for affirmative action?

I'm not sure if "practical" is the life I want though; it's not one of my strong traits anyways. ;-)

Spinach, Forgiveness and Tape

Remember when Popeye would squeeze open a can of spinach, eat some, and save the day? His super strength wasn't permanent but it was enough to fix things back to normal, sometimes even better than before.

At the moment I wish I had something like that. I'm lacking emotional strength and I'm not sure what's holding me together. Maybe it's the promise that a light still flickers somewhere and the hope that I'll find it soon. I just know rolling over and dying isn't an option.

I've been holding a grudge and more bitterness and negativity than legally permissible for my not-quite-5-foot frame. It's drained me over time and today is one of those days where I'm really feeling the empty-ish tank. (Hormones aren't helping but that's no excuse.) I really wish it was materialized and I could take pills to cure it or take a bulimic approach to purging it. I'm afraid the amount would physically kill me though.

I'd drive to the edge of the map if I knew I could find the forgiveness I need to give and receive; it'd be a more refreshing find than Ponce's Fountain of Youth and more delicious than cartoon canned spinach. But right now, I need to hold myself together with some tape, glue, hemp, something, long enough to be OK and take that next step.

The Book(s) That Saved My Life

One I judged and picked by its cover; the other was a recommendation from friend and former professor, Mr. Blake. They were "The Life of Pi" and "Traveling Mercies," respectively. The former is the story of Pi and his plight to survive in a raft along with a tiger and the latter is Anne Lamott's thoughts on faith.

Though seemingly unrelated stories, they both deal with God, religion, faith, and survival, things I've been sorting out for the last who-knows-how-long. I love books, but these two make me believe lifesavers still come in paperback or hardcover. I think God in his almighty humour saw I was barely doggy-paddling through life and tossed them over.

The current me happens to relate to Ms. Lamott's spiritual stumble. (Sans the drugs, drinking and sleeping around.) I took "Mercies" with me to one of my counseling appointments and read an excerpt about religion and forgiveness; she said it better than I could've explained. As for Pi, he reminded me to be one of those who has "life-hungry stupidity." Survival, though held together with hope and belief, starts with oneself.

Pi, while floating in the Pacific, said, "My greatest wish -other than salvation- was to have a book." I'm so glad I do.

Mushroom, Mushroom

I went to Hy-Vee and poked around the mushroom bins while waiting for Kelly. I love 'shrooms. One day I'll make something amazing with Portobellos.

Anyways, I found Morel 'shrooms... for $11.99 AN OUNCE. Why are they going for that price if they're not even the magical kind?

Let's Get This Camry Started

Today I found my car quite dead about 45 minutes before work. Though she can't do anything from three hours away, I called my mom.

Afterwards I brought my friend Jameson's truck beside my car. A stubborn lever made opening the hood a struggle but I managed. I got my jumper cables, hooked up the truck and my car, and got the latter going. And I didn't even cross the wires.

It's something small, but I'm happy to know I can take care of myself. Here and there I learn something new and I get a little smarter, a bit more grown-up.

"Up" and Away

I FINALLY watched "Up". The advice I continued receiving was, "If you can get through the first 10 minutes you'll be OK." I braced my emotions as best possible while the film opened with a black and white news reel.

First 10 minutes? Ha! My feelings took a roller-coaster ride, dipping into sadness one scene and climbing to amusement or joy the next. Somehow I made it through the entire thing, frazzled and exhausted.

I sobbed quietly on the outside but I was a torrent inside. It was for abandoned dreams and plans of events and places. I recalled with pain friendships gone adrift or completely lost. I wept for the to-do lists many of us create but are forced to discard when friends are no longer there because X or Y.

Friendships come, go and change. However, I always hope to have you to share this ride called life with. That's how I know in the end I will be able to successfully fill my adventure book.

It's Still Raining There

Rain... my God I love that sound.

No words can ever express what it means to me, though a few can give you an idea: memories, peace, redemption, life. My soul's bitter dirt and grime floods away along with pebbles and dirt for at least a moment and the soft earth side of me, the one that splashed in puddles and climbed a nearby dam in the middle of a long ago storm comes back.

Tonight I stepped outside my apartment's shelter and put myself at the mercy of the sky. Droplets hit me like soft bullets that gently exploded on my skin. I was soaked but intact. So is that rainy day, from drenched clothes to God painting.

I hope we always remember when it rained.